How To Text A Girl & How To Talk To Girls On Facebook

The glorious and legendary seduction master Dean Cortez was awesome enough to compile the following tactics for either texting a girl, or chatting with her on Facebook, in a clever way that flips her “attraction switches” and gets her horny for you.

Most of the time you would have built up some rapport and basic attraction already, so all you need to do here is just “copy and paste…”


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Emoticons & Their Meanings

  1. (^_^) = Smile.
  2. (^o^) = Laughing out loud.
  3. d(^_^)b = Headphones or listening to music; also seen as thumbs up.
  4.  (;_; ) = sad (crying face).
  5. (-.-)Zzz = sleeping.
  6. (Z.Z) = sleepy person.
  7. \(^_^)/ = cheers, “Hurrah!”
  8. (*^^*) = shyness/blushing.
  9. (-_-; ) = sweating (as in ashamed), or exasperated.
  10. (*_*) = “Surprise !.”
  11. (?_?) = “Nonsense, I don’t know.”
  12. (^_~) = wink.
  13. (o.O) = Shocked/disturbed/raised eyebrow.
  14. (<.<) = shifty, suspicious: could also be sarcasm.
  15. v(^_^)v = Peace, victory.

1. Conversation Starters:

  1. What’s keeping you busy, cutie? 🙂
  2. SURPRISE!
  3. Knock knock…
  4. So, how’s my little brat today? 🙂
  5. Mi amore!
  6. I texted you just to make you look at your phone for no reason…seems like I got you in check =)
  7. Hey honey, I’ll bet my bottom dollar that my weekend can whip your weekend.
  8. What sort of trouble are you trying to brew today?
  9. I am baiting girls to my room with candy. I would like to know which you prefer, M&M’s or Skittle?
  10. I was wondering if you can do me a small favor and text me right back with a simple hi or anything. My pals do not subscribe to the idea that retards can text. We have to show em’ honey.
  11. I discovered a wonderful formula. It’s u+i equals 69
  12. Girls are nasty.
  13. Hey pretty, I just saw an amazing aquarium the cutest fish that I saw reminded me of you :p
  14. If you are not smiling now, just think of me!
  15. There’s news that aliens are on their way to snatch all the good looking and sexy people! It’s a good thing to know you will be safe, and I’m just texting to say goodbye
  16. Announcement: Tomorrow is “Hug a Mentally Handicapped Day”. Don’t freak out like you did last year, I’m not trying to hurt you!
  17. I really want to see you, but this stupid security guard is not allowing me entry to the zoo. Is there a way for you to escape?
  18. I told you not to give your mom my phone number? She won’t quit calling me from now on.
  19. Of all the (first name) (last name)’s I know… I think you’re the apple of my eye.
  20. You just popped into my head so I am texting you Hi…and now please stay out of there
  21. Each time I see u, I begin to smile. Every time I see you walk, I chuckle. When you talk, I get excited. Yes, retarded people entertain the hell out of me!
  22. WE DO IT on the sofa, in bed, on the table, WE EVEN DO IT in the car. Yup… we just LOVE TEXTING. Send this to everyone you DO IT WITH
  23. I’m having an issue applying toothpaste. Can you please come over?
  24. How’s my favorite little brat doing? 🙂
  25. I just made you open your chat box for no reason…looks like I got you in check =]
  26. Hey girl, what sort of trouble are you causing this weekend.
  27. I’m luring girls to my house with candy…which do you prefer, skittles or M&M’s?
  28. Hey princess, I just came back from the aquarium and I saw the cutest little fish…it reminded me of you.
  29. I hope you’re smiling. If not, just think of me!
  30. Aliens are coming to abduct all the good looking sexy ass people! Don’t worry you’ll be safe, but I don’t think I will be. Just saying goodbye ☺
  31. Why’d you have to give your mom my phone number? She won’t quit calling me now!
  32. Did you know a blue whale’s tongue weighs as much as an elephant? That’s crazy… Gotta love animal planet during lunch break…
  33. You just popped into my head so Hi…now please stay out of there!
  34. Let’s fly to Las Vegas, get married, argue about our third kid’s name, divorce, and grow old, lonely and depressed. Sound good?
  35. I don’t know who your boyfriend is, but he’s definitely not spanking you enough.
  36. You’re so sweet you’re making me get diabetes.
  37. I don’t know if I can do this anymore…sometimes you make me feel like I’m just a piece of meat ☺
  38. I know you’re a monkey and all, but is it really necessary for you to hide a banana inside your pocket whenever you see me?
  39. I don’t play with dolls but for you, I’ll make an exception.
  40. Hey sexy! How is my adorable little brat?
  41. Hmmm… Who the hell is this and what are you doing on my cell phone/computer?
  42. Uhm heyyy…you? Who is this again? I saw this number with blank contact name when I was looking through my phone. I THINK that it belongs to a very special person, but I just want to make sure.
  43. You know what? You’re actually the first girl I’ve met in ages that isn’t stalking me with texts after one day already. Then again, this super saint always falls for bad girls because I am sooo sweet, saintly, and innocent.
  44. Okay, let’s pretend for a while that you’re a guy and I’m a hot girl. What would you do to try and pick me up?
  45. You know i just saw this very smelly homeless girl with yellow teeth, crazy looking eyes, and a tragic pair of jeans. But she was SOOO NICE to me. She totally reminded me of you 😛
  46. Hey babe, you’re going gonna get tough love from me!
  47. I’m busy now honey, I will get back to when I’m free!
  48. My weekend will top your weekend anytime! 7-1, 5-3, 2-0. Can you figure that out?
  49. Hey baby shrimpling, this is papa shrimp here! Boom Crash!
  50. You’re welcome to come if you bring some lemons!
  51. You know, I just adore oranges!
  52. I saw the sweetest little clown fish today and it resembled you!
  53. We are through, I’m moving out. The cats can be your responsibility from now on!
  54. I just heard that aliens will be capturing all the sexy people, you don’t need to panic. You will be alright. Just texting so say farewell.
  55. Yo soul sister, what’s in that cracker jack box?
  56. I have been flicking through all my movies and there’s nothing I like. What would be your price to bring one over to me that I haven’t viewed yet?
  57.  I’m wondering if you could possibly describe me in just one word. Please forward this message to 10 of your friends and see what words come back.
  58. Hey girl, you have go to stop smiling so adorably. You know that’s going to get you a spanking, because I love it when naughty girls smile. It’s just so sexy and irresistible. Do it again!
  59. I wanted to say hello because you just sprung into my head and its irritating me. Can you please find your way out of there.
  60. SOS. OH NO I need more socks to masturbate into. Can you bring me more please?
  61. Did you know that you should never cook bacon in your Birthday suit?
  62. Hey, the police are looking for an attractive person and a deranged person. Unfortunately they caught me but it’s not too late for you. You better get you pencils and colouring in books and clear out. HURRY  HaHa.
  63. If ever there was a zombie apocalypse you don’t have to worry as I have your back covered.
  64. How have been? I saw something today that resembled a lot like you.
  65. Hey, I was introduced to an incredibly gorgeous girl the other day. I’m hoping you have a few suggestions for a pick up line.
  66. Hey, Would you be interested in assisting me? I’m arranging a plan to eradicate world peace.
  67. I’m so sorry to have ended the relationship through text message.
  68. Hey, Just thought I would remind you that today is “Hug a Retard Day” Don’t stress out like you have done in the past because the people have no intention in harming you.
  69. What’s new and exciting in your world lately?
  70. The other night I was a little bit drunk and I stumbled across a guy living in the street, he was holding a sign that read “Need money for liquor, or we go on a date” I decided to slip him 20 bucks before I walked away. Have you ever contributed to society?
  71. It’s very unfortunate that we met in a bar but I have to say that during the course of the night you seemed very nice and were a lot of fun to be around. You seem different from other girls, however I find it hard to tolerate scatter brains, so this means it’s your loss but if you think that you’re different to other girls then please feel free to text me.
  72. Hey, my day is kicking ass so far, hope yours is too.

2. For Building Rapport

  1. Let’s go to Las Vegas, get married, fight over our second kid’s name, file for divorce, and get old forlorn and miserable.
  2. Hey babe, your still one of my favourites, your still in the top ten of my list!
  3. I am very surprised that I have not yet grown tired of you!
  4. I fear that one day I might be insecure around you because you’re the sexiest and hottest girl I have ever dated!
  5. I would like for you and me to adopt an Asian baby sometime in the future!
  6. When I am driving I get bored to tears so can you make yourself accessible to talk to me?
  7. I would love to take you out for a coffee but it really makes me ashamed with what you order.
  8. I would like to be seen hanging out with a few ugly people so that others can see how hot we look!
  9. Even if I didn’t want to fuck you I would still pick the fleas off of you if we were monkeys swinging amongst the trees!
  10. Why don’t we just chill out and imagine we are super heroes and play computer games all night?
  11. You know that I would click that button to view, if your picture ever appeared on a porn site that that I was checking out!
  12. Maybe your armpits will be less pungent when the cooler weather comes along!
  13. Did you know that my dream is to travel the continent wearing nothing but a panda outfit?
  14. My mother and I have had a discussion and for now on she wants me to call her when I’m with you so she knows I’m safe!
  15. We are true rebels when we get together!
  16. You know, I have put more thought and effort into my Halloween attire than I have ever put into my profession!
  17.  Hey, let’s just visualise that we will be together soon!
  18. I’m very disappointed in how your attitude has dropped recently! I’m sure that in the future we will both be in rehab together!
  19. I didn’t realize that it was a regulation but I’m just notifying you that I’ve moved into the neighbourhood! Just to bring you up to date, my friend status on face book has just gone through the roof! I’m really not looking to meet new friends, however it was such a pleasure meeting you!
  20. Is it ok for me to mention to my friends that you and I have something going?
  21. It wasn’t easy but I think that I have finally worked out what our relationship is all about!
  22. I’m happy that you finally understand that without me your life is up shit creek without a paddle!
  23. I don’t think that anyone will notice how drunk we will be when we go on this vacation together!
  24. Hey, I’m relaxing in a nice warm bubble bath right now and thinking of you. It’s not too late to come over and join me.
  25. I just heard on the news that the cops have found the remains of a deceased person. The only description they gave was that the person was rather fat and only had half a brain. Can you please text me and let me know that you’re alright as I’m very worried about you.
  26. If at any stage you feel the urge to smile, it’s probably me because you’re always in my thoughts!
  27. Wow, That sexy body, stunning eyes and the sweet smile. I could keep going on and on but I really don’t like talking about myself. How are you? What have you been doing lately?
  28. I just found out that it’s a fact that when you’re gazing at something you really love, your eyes expand up to 50%? So now I understand why your all googly eyed when I’m around you.
  29. Hey, I know you’re talking about me because my ears haven’t stopped ringing!
  30. Hey buddy, you won’t believe it but I just watched my cat do the weirdest thing I have ever seen!
  31. I wanted to tell you that I thoroughly enjoyed myself last night. Thanks for making so fun. Hugs and Kisses!
  32. I’m just informing you that today is officially “TEXT FUCK DAY” and I just fucked you and you enjoyed it. HeHe. I will let you fuck anyone you want as long as you fuck me back first. HaHa!
  33. If you start to think about me you will begin to smile. Have a nice day!
  34. Every time I am having a shit I always seem to think about you! I really enjoy drinking so if it’s the alcohol talking then lets drink dome more!
  35. I am sure that in the future you will be the greatest MILF! Hey, if you’re having a bad day just think of me and smile!
  36. I just wanted you to know that out of all the girls I know, you’re the finest!
  37. Thought I would text you and let you know that you’re in my thoughts honey!
  38. I don’t know what it is about you but when I am with you I always smile!
  39. I am thinking you don’t love me because you still haven’t mentioned it on my wall in face book!
  40. Let’s go ten pin bowling tonight because I like looking at your cute little ass when you bend over!
  41. You need to get your beauty sleep so may I suggest that you stop staring at my photo and get actual rest. HeHe.
  42. A few days ago I met this very sexy girl and I’m trying to think of a nickname for her but I’m stumped as I can’t think of any. Would you be able to help me out with any suggestions?
  43. Did you know that right now you are in someone’s thoughts? If you are thinking of a person at this moment then please forward on this message.
  44. was advised to send this message to the most hottest, sexiest person in the world and since I obviously can’t send this to myself I was wondering if you could forward this back to me. Thanks so much.
  45. Isn’t it funny how you fell in love and I fell asleep.
  46. I have a feeling that you find me boring and that’s why you see less of me lately. Why don’t we start going out and do fun things together?
  47. I was walking past the pet shop today and I thought of you straight away when I saw the most adorable little puppy that caught my eye. I couldn’t believe how much it resembled you.
  48. I am not aware who your boyfriend is but it seems he’s not spanking you enough!
  49. I am not sure if you’re ready for this jelly.
  50. I only text you to get your attention but at least I got you to open your phone
  51. Awww, you are so sweet I can get diabetes by simply hanging out with you
  52. When we get it on, you make me feel like I am just a piece of meat.
  53. You are on my mind…
  54. It’s okay honey, you’re still my number one.
  55. There’s something about you that always makes me smile. 🙂
  56. Aside from keeping yourself sexy, what else are you busy with?
  57. We can only meet in person if you know how to do CPR ‘coz you take my breath away.
  58. I guess you’re from Tennessee because you’re the only “Ten I see” all throughout the day.
  59. Are you not tired of being beautiful all day?
  60. Check your computer keyboard. It tells something about  us. U and I are always together.
  61. Aren’t you tired yet? You’ve running in my thoughts for hours now. You can stop now.
  62. Stop thinking about me! I can’t sleep.
  63. I used to be a bad boy before I met you. But I can still be one if you want me to.
  64. Hello! I’ve been trying to reach you all day but your phone kept saying, ” The subscriber you’re calling is in your heart, please try again later”.
  65. I used to believe that the sun was the hottest object until I met you.
  66. Other girls may take everything away from me. But I’m not giving them my surname. It’s reserved for you.
  67.  My doctor told me that I have (add -“lisis” on the girl’s name, e.g. Mary = Marylisis, Cindy = Cindylisis) and I have to take “your-kiss-ilin” and “hugs-a-nol” 24/7.
  68. I know you’re lying in bed right now and a little bit sick. So, what do you want? Coffee? Tea? or Me?
  69. I had a check up this morning and my doctor asked me, “Geez, where is your heart?”I said someone I met yesterday took  it. That bitch! Stole it without asking me!
  70. There’s nothing wrong with your eyes if all you see are red. You’re just inside my heart.
  71. You are arrested for being so cute! You have the right to remain silent. Anything you do or say will be used against you when I flirt with you.
  72. You are arrested for Illegal Possession of Sexy Body. I am confiscating your goods and taking them into custody in my room.
  73. Wow, you must be an awesome thief.  I have had 15 complaints in the last week from men filing about how you stole their hearts.
  74. If your heart was a prison, then I want to be sentenced for life.
  75. Did the sun come out or is it just your smile? Everything seems so warm and lovely. Just like how your lips taste.
  76. Roses are red. Violets are blue. The sun is hot. And so are you thinking about the things you make me wanna do to you.
  77. I hope you can send me your picture so I can tell Santa my wish list.
  78. Santa told me that you’ve been good this year so he is sending you your wish. The problem is, I don’t think I can fit in a box.
  79. They say that a picture speaks a thousand words but I find it weird that all your thousand pictures speak only of one word- Wow!
  80. Your thought just crossed my mind and I seem to realize that you can even make the devil sweat.
  81. Are your lips sore? Come over and I’ll kiss them better.
  82. Are you lost? Sorry, heaven is very far from where you are right now. Come, I’ll show you some fun!
  83. Did you hear about the breaking news? Police said that there was a convict that escaped prison. Reports describe her as being sexy, beautiful, intelligent, funny, and great in bed. You are perfectly safe, but my problem is where will I hide you?
  84.  It’s alright. You don’t have to stop thinking about me. It’s time well spent.
  85. If you were on McDonald’s menu, probably you’ll be “McGorgeous” and I’d be “McTanstic”
  86. Don’t blame me for falling for you okay. You’re the one who tripped me at the first place. BITCH!
  87. I wish you were my homework! I can work on you 24/7.
  88. If loving is a crime, then lock me up bitch because I am fucking guilty.
  89. God was a big show off when he made you.
  90. I should have been in the Olympics because it only happens once in every four years but baby, you only come once in a lifetime.
  91. Be nice to Santa when he kidnaps you. He knows that my Christmas wish is you.
  92. Is it legal for you to look that good?
  93. Will you please stop wearing makeup! It messes with perfection.
  94. Let me be honest. I know you like me and I know I like you. So what are we going to do about it?
  95. I get a very strong feeling when you’re not near me. I’m sure that feeling is gladness.
  96. Hey sweetheart, are the children okay?
  97. I would gamble anything that right at this moment you’re thinking of me.
  98. Today I have been sending smiles to everyone. So honey, here’s yours.
  99. Are you wearing your pjs yet? I bet they are so cute on you.
  100. My piggy bank is missing, I think you must have stolen it. If you don’t start to make time for me then I will see other girls behind your back.
  101. I would love to meet that handsome guy who’s texting you all the time. Is there any chance you can introduce him to me?
  102. I stumbled across something that instantly reminded me of you but please don’t allude yourself as to what it could be.
  103. If you should happen to get captured by a funny little fat guy with a long white beard, big black boots and a bright red suite! Don’t panic because I told Santa that all I wanted for Christmas is you.
  104. Don’t you think it’s about time you consider going to alcohol anonymous or get some intervention for your drinking. I’m worried about you. I think your drinking way too much.
  105. Hey, you must have just farted because I’ve just been blown away.
  106. Can I ask you? From 1 to 10, how out going are you? I really like teasing girls and I love clowning around.
  107. How is my 3rd favourite little chocolate doing today? Are you having a nice day?
  108. Hey, Tell me, what type of bear do you like the most?
  109. Hey, What flavour candy would best describe yourself and why?
  110. I know I’m in your thoughts because because you are constantly looking to your phone to see if I have sent you any text messages. Haha! 😛
  111. I really enjoy your company and you’re funny and fun to be with however I feel that it’s time for us to see more of each other but I have to tell you, I’m a bit cautious because I have been proven wrong in the past.
  112. I bet you didn’t know that it’s a fact that gays use their thumb to check and send messages. Don’t change now as it’s too late for you. haha!
  113. You always make me feel insecure about myself when I’m around you. It feels like a cupid has just shot an arrow directly into my heart.
  114. I would just like to say to you how incredibly beautiful, sexy and extremely hot looking you are.
  115. You may think that your intelligent and sexy enough but let me tell you! You’re a huge pain in the rear end.
  116. You know, I used to find it hard to get through Mondays but knowing you’re miserable makes it so much easier for me now. I
  117. f you ever got lost whilst walking in the forest you can be assured that I would stay with the search and rescue for as long as it didn’t rain.
  118. Hey, I really need to see you because I miss you so much but I have a small problem. I’m at the main gates of the zoo but security has refused me entry. Any chance you can try to break free? Please hurry, I’m waiting, please hurry. Haha
  119.  Just in case you are not aware but today is “Holy Shit, Your Hot Day” Pass this on to someone you know that’s extremely hot but please don’t send back to me as my phone has been overloaded. I’ve been inundated with messages all day.
  120. For some reason you just entered my mind. I really could do with your company right now. I’m in urgent need of a cook and dishwasher. Any chance you can come over?
  121. I don’t know what it is about you but whenever I think of you, you always seem to manage to bring a smile on my face.
  122. I was just thinking of you so I thought I had better send you a text to say Hi!
  123. What are you up to now? I hope you’re not going to be a nuisance again!

3. For Girls Who Don’t Respond

  1. Was it your twin who I met down the hall?
  2. I enjoy talking to you and I am not fond of playing games. I can see we’re really good together. Let’s get it on and if it does not turn out to be cool, I’m glad we met. 🙂
  3. Wow! You’re playing hard to get already. Aren’t we moving a little too fast sweetie? We haven’t even dated yet!
  4.  I have a little secret to tell you even my grandmother types a text message faster than you do. Damn girl!
  5.  Awwwhhh…She’s giving me a silent treatment. How cute! I love you too honey!
  6. You’re not sending a text message via snail mail, are you? Because even sleepwalkers can move their fingers faster than you type text messages woman!
  7. It’s ok for you to play hard to get but your delusional if you think that I’m going to keep on chasing you everywhere! 🙂
  8. We barely get to spend time with each other and I understand are not officially dating but I think its best we stop contacting each other.
  9. I think it’s nice that we are both interested in each other’s lives.
  10. Hey, don’t forget that I’m still around if you ever happen to get REALLY RICH! haha.
  11. Sorry if I forgot but are you still mad at me?

4. Getting Her Out

  1. You know what? We’ve done heaps of text message exchanges for a while now. But I think it will be nice and fun to hang out together, grab a drink, or eat somewhere like normal people do. What do you think?
  2.  Hey, wanna try (name of food) this weekend? I know a place where they serve it best.
  3.  You seem to be a person who has an opinion and likes to have fun, just like me. So, let’s have fun together by going to (place) tomorrow!
  4.  You know what? If you promise to be my tour guide tomorrow when I’m in (place), I’ll give you some lessons about it in return.
  5.  You’re bored? Well, if you play your cards right, I might take you to this awesome place where they have (food) later today!
  6.  You’re not doing anything right now? Then allow me to take you to (place) where they have the best (food) ever!
  7.  Hey. my friends and I are about to hang out at (place). If you can make it, you’re invited.
  8.  Party at my place tonight at (time). Be sure to bring me my favorite liquor or you won’t get in!
  9.  Tell me, do you have plans for the weekend? Or are you just going to sit around like a true couch potato?
  10.  Thank you for telling me what would you like to do on our date tomorrow. I’ll pick you around at (time).
  11. Are you able to give my feet a massage but first do you mind grabbing me a drink please.

4.1 For When She’s About To Flake Out On A Date

  1.  You’re going to (place) tomorrow? Wow! That’s incredibly…..lame. Come with me. You know I’m much more fun than that place.
  2. Oh come on! Play nice. I promise I won’t get drunk and embarrass you in public(yet!)
  3. Oh come on! You’re so boring! Ok, ok. You can pick the place we’ll go to, but you have to promise me you’ll buy me a drink when we’re there huh?
  4. Ahh. Don’t worry about it. No is a good answer too. Just don’t be surprised when you find out that I’m not the kind of guy who gives up when he’s genuinely interested in a girl!
  5. Ok, you know what? Have you ever heard of the Lemon Law? It works like this: we go somewhere to get a drink. If we don’t like each other’s company after five minutes, then we’re both free to leave.

4.2 For After You Take Her Out

  1. I really like the way we communicate. I would love to start seeing a lot more of you and to see where it leads to but I don’t like playing games so if you’re interested please reply. In case I don’t hear back from you, it was a pleasure meeting you. Take care!
  2. Sweet dreams, gorgeous girl. 🙂 [name]
  3. Hey, I hope you got home safe. Text me when you get there.
  4. I have to be honest with you. Today was one of the most boring, frightening, and sleep inducing experience I’ve ever had. Just kidding! You were awesome enough to get another one with me later!
  5. You’re a lot of fun to hang out with. Much better than my mom. Hotter too!
  6. I really don’t get impressed much however you truly did impress me tonight. Keep it up please.
  7. I am just texting you to see that your home safe and sound!
  8. Your soooo sweet babe, I’m worried that if I hang around you too much I will develop diabetes!
  9. I know it maybe early but I was wondering if you miss me yet?
  10. You know, you’re just like the cheeky little sister I always wanted. Can’t wait until I see you again. Take care!

5. For Talking About Sex

  1. I am giving you a breathalyzer test. Please blow into the phone. Result: You are 90% positive for sperm breath.
  2. I am writing my autobiography so please help me achieve a good climax.
  3. Will you please stop imagining me naked! It’s winter and I am freezing already.
  4. Just to give you an idea, there’s a box of chocolate (or any girl’s cravings) waiting for you on my bed.Just stepped out of the shower…want to come over and make me dirty again?
  5. I wanted you to know that I have a raging hard on right now and I have dedicated it to you!
  6. I really get so tired after eating a large meal so is there any chance we can have sex before we eat!
  7. Let’s check out the museum if you want to see some cock!
  8. I want to become a sex slave so from now on can you start treating me like one?
  9. Is it possible that we can just go out together alone tonight and enjoy ourselves and only have sex after the date?
  10. I had the weirdest dream I have ever had last night! I dreamt that I was fucking your brains out together with two unicorns.
  11. Honey… we need a serious talk. We seriously need to talk about what sexual positions you enjoy the most!
  12. I know a great spot we can go to so we can do some dry humping together!
  13. That look you give when we make love really gets me off I think it’s about time that we both change our status on face book!
  14. Even if you repeat your stories I still love to hear them! From now on I want everyone to address me only by my porn name!
  15. How are you? Can you please let me know if the morning after pill was effective or not?
  16. You must come over and spank me because I’ve been very, very bad. Like seriously naughty.
  17. The hottest thing I can wear is your lipstick off your lips.
  18. I had a very dirty dream about you last… Geez it’s not THAT, you’re perverted. But I like that idea.
  19. I dreamed about you last night and were sooo….ummm kinda naughty. Well, smile if you like it. Blush if you want more.
  20. You know that whenever I start to think about you I get so horny that I have to go and cool down in the shower. STOP CORRUPTING ME!
  21. Hi Babe, I’m sorry that I wasn’t there when you woke up, I forgot to tell you that I had a very important meeting to attend so please don’t me mad with me. The sex was amazing last night and WOW were you wild. Hope we can catch up later. Kisses and Hugs.
  22. I’m your rubix cube. The more you play with me the harder I get.
  23. We’re both too young for kids, so let’s agree to just practice.
  24. Smile! It’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
  25. Your friends mentioned to me that all you wanted was wild sex with me all the time. I’m surprised because I never thought you would be like that.
  26. Just got out from the bathroom and took off my underwear. At least you have one less thing to remove tonight.
  27. I heard you lost your teddy! Can I replace him tonight? Just don’t hug and kiss me too much, someone might get jealous.
  28. I’m trying to bait girls back to my house with candy! Which one so you prefer? Chocolate bears or fruit tingles?
  29. Maybe we should stop having sex because you make me feel like I’m only getting used for one thing.
  30. I’m bored. Can you turn me on later?
  31. I can’t help but imagine that if we produced a love child from the hot passionate sex we share together, how hot and sexy looking he or she would be!
  32. When I get home I want you to wear your favorite heels… and just your skin tight birthday suit.

  33. Don’t get mad at me when I throw you out of the bed. I just love you more when you’re on the floor.
  34. Do you know that the only animals that can have sex over the phone are humans?
  35. Do you carry with you a mirror? Because I could see myself in your pants.
  36. Math is fun! Add your bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, so we can multiply.
  37. Last night I had a hard time sleeping. I missed your warmth around me. I wanted you on me! I wanted to feel you all over my body. But I couldn’t find you…. Where did my pajamas go?
  38. You must believe me when I say you’ll look better  without those extra two pounds. You can start by taking those clothes off. I assume they weight exactly two pounds.
  39. If you were an island, can I explore you?
  40. What a nice pair of legs you have. I wonder, what time do they open?
  41. Will you please stop sticking your tongue out unless you want to use it.
  42. Smile if you’re thinking about sex!
  43. Geez! I can’t believe that I texted you when I was peeing.
  44.  Why am I cold? I’m under this blanket already. Oh that’s right, I’m naked!
  45. If you correctly guess the color of my underwear it will be yours and everything in it.
  46. I know that you’re legs miss me in between them right?
  47. I just bought a new underwear and I can’t wait to show it to you.
  48. If I were with you right now, where would you want me to touch you?
  49. I’m watching porn.
  50. My hands were busy, but they took a break to text you.
  51. I’m imagining you’re with me right now…
  52. I’m trying to sleep and I can’t stop thinking about all the things you could do to me if you were with me right now.
  53. I’m looking for sex toys online.
  54. I had a naughty dream last night and you were in me… I mean it…
  55. Do you believe in kiss and tell? It’s because I want you to kiss me and do the things to me in your mind and tell me all about it.
  56. I’m lying in bed and bored. Do you want to play Simon Says?
  57. What do you want to do with me after our date tomorrow?
  58. I can see two pussies humping outside my window. They’re meowing so much it’s hard for me to go back to sleep.
  59. My doctor just told me that I have contracted a textually transmitted disease. I should have put that protection cover on my phone before I text you. I think you should go and get tested too.
  60. Are you thinking of me because I can feel your eyes eyes roaming all of over my body.
  61. Why don’t we just both chill out and be friends and relieve our sexual frustrations together. Haha!
  62. don’t stop because it really turns me on. Hehe!
  63. I was wondering if you could do my laundry and clean my house in the nude.
  64. Hey, Why don’t we get together and have dome hot steamy, passionate sex? That will get you even with your ex.
  65. Can you please help me out? I’m sifting through my contacts and I’ve discovered I have three Jackie’s. I need you to tell me which Jackie you are! The Jackie with those long sexy smooth silky legs, Jackie with those beautifully shaped firm tits or the Jackie that engages in hot, steamy wild passionate sex.
  66. Hey, Pervert. Will you stop those dirty thoughts because I can sense what thoughts you want to do to me. Ewwww.
  67. Can you come over to my place and tutor me in maths? All I understand is that you + I = sixty nine!
  68. Bend over and touch your toes and I will show you where this wild thing goes!
  69. Be careful not to get too horny without me being there!

5.1 Sexting

  1. I need to give you a clear warning because if I tell you what’s up, you will get so moist that you will need a box of tissues to dry yourself.
  2. *Place your hands upon the wall and gazes into her eyes and give a smirk.*
  3. *Gently strokes the back of her hair and moves closer and kisses tenderly on the neck.*
  4. *Gradually walks closer until your bodies are touching and gives a kiss on your silky lips.*
  5. *Tiptoes quietly from behind and gently kisses your exposed shoulders.*
  6. *Slowly removes her underwear and lays her down across your knees giving her little slaps until her bottom is a rare and pink then lifts her up and casually walks away.*
  7. *Gently caresses her face as you look deep into her eyes, slowly moving closer until your lips are joined together in a passionate kiss.*

6. Stop It

You: STOP!

Her: Stop what?

You: Thinking about me so much.

7. Cancelling Dates

You: Hey I can’t take you out today, because my brother is coming to stay and I’m not at home and am not sure when I get back. If you need a hand with anything, just msg and I’ll see what I can do. Sorry bout that.

Her:  Ah ok, no probs –catch up with you later.

You: On another note, aliens are about to make me their leader -you know how they’re always saying ‘take me to your leader’ –it’s me they’re after,

8. Blank Text

You: *send blank text*

Her: Hey, you sent me a blank txt (or anything along those lines)

You: Hey girl, don’t make excuses just to be able to talk to me!

or

You: It must be so embarrassing to make up excuses to talk to me!

9. Congratulations

You: Congratulations!

Her: For what? What did I do? Why?

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You: I was just thinking of u. Congratulations again. =)

Or

You: Congratulations!

Her: Huh! For what?!

You: You’ve just met the Most Handsome Guy in the nation, me. How do you feel?

Or

You: Congratulations! You just won a million smile from me.

Or

You: Congrats! I heard you won the Most Beautiful Smile contest. And for that, you are going to receive my special hug.

Or

You: Congrats! You just won a trip to (place) with me.

Or

You: Congratulations. For not hitting any branch from the ugly tree as you fell down it!

Or

You: Congratulations. My mom said you’re beautiful.

Or

You: Would you care to congratulate me?

Her: Huh! What happened? I mean, why would I congratulate you?

You: I’ve finally found you.

10. Who’s This?

You: Who is this?

Her: [girls name]

You: I know…I’m just being an ass 🙂

11. KISS & LIPS 

You: Did you know that KISS and LIPS are typed the same way on your phone?

Her: (any response)

You: Look at this -I love how soft your lips are, I can’t wait to kiss them again.

12. I Fell

You : Help! I can’t move my limbs, I think I hurt myself really bad. You might need to help me.

Her: What happened?

You: I fell really, really hard.

Her: Huh! From where?

You: I fell for you down the stairs really hard. HA! Made you worry for a second didn’t you!

13. My Mom’s A Liar!

You: I’m so pissed. My mom and I had a serious argument! OMG, I’m SOO MAD!

Her: Why?

You: She lied to me.

Her: About what?

You: She told me that angels aren’t real and I told her I’m texting her right now to prove her wrong.

14. My Eyes

You: Shit, I need to see a doctor for my eye tomorrow. I hate you!

Her: Why? Is there something wrong with your eyes?

You: I think so. I can’t take them off you! I HATE YOU!

15. Wow No Wings?

You: You surprised me when you turned around. And I’m not referring to your butt as well.

Her: Huh, in what way?

You: I just learned that not all angels have wings.

16. My Cure

You: Hey thanks for that! You helped me alot. I need to take more of it next time.

Her: What?

You: I was just thinking of you and your smile cured me! Remind me to tip you next time.

17. Did You Find It?

You: Hey, did you find it? I need it SOO BAD!

Her: Huh?

You: I lost something really important to me, and I think it’s lying around in your room somewhere.

Her: What is it?

You: I think my heart is lying under your pillow, you can sleep with it at night, but for now. Please give it back to me!

18. New Invention

You: I’ve found a new way of boiling water without using fire.

Her: And how is that?

You: All I need to do is to have a walk with you while holding the kettle half naked and in a few minutes it’s done. Just make sure you’re HALF naked, not FULLY naked, we don’t want the kettle to start whistling.

19. You’re Hot

You: Guess what I’m doing.

Her: What?

You: I’m texting the hottest girl on the planet.

Her: Blah blah

You: Oh sorry, wrong send. But you’re hot too?

20. Intoxicated

You: People around me think that I drink too much.

Her: So you must be drunk right now. Are you?

You: Yeah, being around you too much makes me intoxicated. I need to go to rehab.

21. Missing Me

You: Hmmm… has anyone told you that you need to add something to the way you dress?

Her: Huh?

You: Yeah, it’s missing a little something that’ll really bring out your eyes.

Her: What is it?

You: Me. But I’m only available this weekend, so you better be free!

22. To Do List

You: I know you’re too busy with so many things lately. Just do me a favour and add this to the top of your list.

Her: Okay tell me what it is.

You: Add me.

23. English Alphabet

You: Of all the letters in the English alphabet, what are the two letters that matter most?

Her: Blah blah

You: It’s U and I.

24. Height

You: Quick question, how tall are you?

Her: I think I’m about (height).

You: No wonder my head hurts, get out of there!

25.  Psychic

You: FYI I’m a clairvoyant and I know what you’re thinking right now.

Her: Huh, really! So what am I thinking right now?

You: You are thinking about a pink elephant. Don’t lie about it. See as soon as I mentioned pink elephant, you’d picture it in your mind.

26. Algebra

You: 2x – (62)(84) = 12y + 45x

Her: ???

You: Yeah I hate that too! You make me harder than algebra!

27. Want To Come Party?

You: Hey, come to my party, all 4 of your are invited

Her: Four?

You: Yup. You, your lips, my lips, and myself will meet up later.

28. My Dog

You: Awww… You remind me of my dog.

Her: Hey! What did you say?

You: What? I love my dog.

29. Birthday Kiss

You: It’s my birthday today. I think deserve a kiss.

Her: Is it really your birthday today?

You: No, but how about a kiss, anyway.

30. The Squeeze

You:

Man made whiskey

Man made Pepsi

God made you sexy

Man made butter

Man made cheese

God gave you to me to squeeze

31. Mr Right

You: I heard that you were desperately looking for me.

Her: What?! No, i wasn’t! Who said that?

You: Your friends said that you were looking for Mr. Right!

32. Cutie Pie

You: Mmm.. is your dad by any chance a baker?

Her: Huh, no, what made you think so?

You: Because you’re such a cutie pie.

33. Angels Cry

You: Do you even know why it was raining hard when you were born?

Her: not really. Why?

You: The angels in heaven were all crying because they lost their most beautiful angel.

34. Mirror Breaker

You: How can you break a mirror without throwing anything on it or exposing it under the sun?

Her: hmm. can’t think of one.

You: It’s very easy. Why don’t you try to stand in front of it.

35. Heart Condition

You: My doctor told me that my heart condition is very critical and I’m only left with two options:

a. ICU or

b. UC Me

36. Talking Behind Your Back

You: You know what people say around you behind your back?

Her: Huh!?Tell me!

You: Nice butt!!!

37. Mirror Jealousy

You: I envy your mirror so much.

Her: Why?

You: Because it gets to look at you naked all the time.

38. Such A Waste!

You: Stop wasting it!

Her: What?

You: your butt is so pretty that you only use it for sitting.

39. Cute Bunny

You:

__**_**
_**___**
_**___**_________*** *
_**___**_______**___ ****
_**__**_______*___** ___**
__**__*______*__**__ ***__**
___**__*____*__**___ __**__*
____**_**__**_**____ ____**
____**___**__**
___*___________*
__*_____________*
_*____0_____0____*
_*_______@_______*
_*_______________*
___*_____v_____*
_____**_____**

Do you think Mr Bunny is cute? On a scale of 1 to 10, what would you give him for being cute?

40. How Quick Can You Type?

Only do this if you KNOW the girl likes you and you want to ask her out on a date.

You: Yo, aren’t you lucky, you’re the 30th girl that I’ve met today who’s been begging me for a date, so if you can tell name 5 famous basketball players, I’ll take you out on the weekend for ice cream!

  • Response 1 – Her: (She gets it correctly.)
  • Response 1 – You: You’re awesome. You have qualified for one single ice cream cone on the weekend. Since it’s one cone, I’ll pay for it.
  • Response 2 – Her: (She gets it wrong.)
  • Response 2 – You: You’re awesome at getting things wrong. You have qualified to look at me eat ice cream  on the weekend. Don’t worry, I’ll give you free tickets.

41. Finish This…

You: Hmmmm Your aroma….

Her: Pleasant?

You: it’s uncanny how we can finish each other’s sentences.

42. Mental Institution

You: Can I ask a little help from you?

Her: Yeah, why not. How can I help?

You: I went for a job interview to be a psychologist in a mental institution. They said I can have the job if I can get 24 hours experience with a mentally insane person. I immediately thought of you so can you come over tomorrow? Don’t worry, I have the straight jacket… haha.

43. How Do You Know XYZ?

Her: How do you know XYZ?

You: Oh, we work together. He wanted to know how I knew you. I told him you are a slave in my house.

Her: What?

Me: Sorry, I meant sex slave.

44. Knock Knock

You: Knock Knock

Her: Who’s there?

You: It’s me you uneducated numb skull, don’t you know my number by now?

45. Retarded People Can Reply Too!

You: Hey, Do you mind sending me a text. If you can just reply back to me with anything you want to say.

Her: Ok but why?

You: I’m out with friends having lunch and I wanted to prove to them that retarded and stupid people can reply. Hey, thanks for replying, you proved them all wrong. haha!

46. Wrong Send?

1st Text – You: Hey honey, you’re the most sexiest girl I’ve ever laid my eyes upon. Come on, let’s go to Vegas and get married.

2nd Text – You: Oh Shit, Sorry, wrong send.

3rd Text– You: No wait, it’s the right girl. Let’s go, I have tickets already! 🙂

47. Serious Question…

You: I want to know if you love me or nor not?

Her: Its way too soon for that. I’ve only known you for a day.

You: WOW! That’s longer than I expected.

48. Weight Loss Kiss

You: Did you know it’s a fact that single kiss burns 48 calories?

Her: Really? I didn’t know that!

You: Why don’t you come over and work out with me? I’ve been told I’m very good at this.

49. We’re Married

1st Text_You: #

2nd Text_You: Nod your head up and down. Keep looking at it, you’ll see it from a different angle.

3rd Text_You: HAHA! You just agreed to marry me! You nodded your head. YESSSSS!! I’m coming over right now for honeymoon sex! =]

50. WTF?

You: What the hell.

Her: What?

You: I was told by someone what you said about me.

Her: HUH

51. Mystery Box or Door 9

You: Mystery box or door 9?

  • Response 1 – Her: Door 9!
  • Response 1 – You: Oh shit, don’t tell me your one of those! Door 9 is the entrance to a sex dungeon. YOU PERVERT!
  • Response 2 – Her: Mystery Box!
  • Response 2 – You: Congratulations! Mystery box contains sexy lingerie. You get to model it for me!

52. I Lied

You: Sorry I lied to you honey!

Her: Why? What did you lie about?

You: I told you that you looked cute but the truth is you are smoking hot and amazingly sexy. You absolutely blew me away.

Her: Awww…

You: Haha you fell for my lie again!

53. You’re Corrupted!

1st Text

You: Are you sure? I really don’t think you could handle it. It’s far too big!

2nd Text

You: Oh sorry, wrong send! And I was not talking about what you’re thinking about. YOU ARE CORRUPTED!

54. Help Me Study

You: Hey, Any chance you can help me study this really hard topic??

Her: Sure, What topic?

You: Sex education, I passed the theory but I need help on the practical!

55. Flying Monkeys

You: I really despise it when you’re going about your business and then suddenly, WHAM, from out of nowhere you get slammed by a flying monkey and then it starts attacking you.

Her: What are you talking about? There is no such thing as flying monkeys!

You: What makes it worse is that it got me from behind!

Her: What the hell are you going on about?

You: Ahhh, I always knew that you are one of those little lover monkeys!

56. Lick Your Tongue

You: I bet you can’t lick every tooth with your tongue?

2nd Text: You’re so stupid at times. I know you just tried it!

3rd Text: I know your grinning now because you’re such an idiot!

4th Text: I know your still laughing. Hehehe!

5th Text: I bet you will forward this onto another retard shortly. Haha!

Happy Birthday Messages

  1. Just think, today is the anniversary when your mother squeezed you out through her vagina into the big wide world. Happy Birthday!
  2. I am not insinuating your old or anything but when I think of your age I can’t help but feel sorry for you!
  3. Your parties are usually fucked up but I sure hope its sensational tonight. Happy Birthday!
  4. I saw the perfect present for you but I didn’t bother buying it. As the saying goes, it’s the thought that counts HeHeHe. Happy Birthday!
  5. It’s hard to believe but I can recall the days when you weren’t so frightfully old!
  6. At a time that suits me I would like to take you out and celebrate your Birthday!
  7. Sorry, I totally forgot it was your Birthday today. You should have reminded me!
  8. I know it’s your Birthday but I will still receive all the attention at your party tonight!
  9. Your one person I can endure. Happy Birthday

Facebook Status Updates That Convey Value

  1. Getting rid of stalkers provides good entertainment for my friends right now.
  2.  PDiddy wakes up feeling like me.
  3.  will buy Mom diamonds and Dad a courtside ticket when he receives his first pay check.
  4.  Guys are clueless these days. They are only modest in words. Superior in action equates to true confidence. Gotta walk the talk!
  5.  Needs a good list of some baby making music.
  6.  Evolution: A class clown in middle school, an athlete in high school, a party boy in college, a nerd in law school, and gold as a lawyer.
  7.  Yes! I get it. It’s because you aint no hollaback girl!
  8.  Good morning! I see, the assassins have failed.
  9.  Starting to think and act like your Dad does…
  10.  Used to look like Justin Bieber before makeup.
  11.  I’m not racist but U hate everyone equally.
  12.  Damn it! Tiger Woods caught up to my numbers.
  13.  Don’t be jealous, you’ll get your turn.
  14.  Is there a fan page of “ALWAYS GETTING A BONER, WHEN YOU STAND IN FRONT OF THE CLASS”?
  15.  I’m not here. I’ve gone out to look for MYSELF. If I comeback before I return, please tell ME to wait.
  16.  Money can’t buy happiness but poverty can’t buy anything.
  17.  Yo have reached Reverend English Nickel at my confession hotlline. Please leave your sin, and I’ll get back to you with a penance. Remember that a confession doesn’t count unless it’s a vivid, detailed, blow-by-blow description of the sin. Thank you.
  18.  Knowledge is Power. Power Corrupts. Study Hard!
  19. The (subject) exam was a piece of cake–which was a bit surprise, actually I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper.
  20. His mind is like a steel trap- rusty and illegal in 37 states.
  21.  Every cloud has a silver lining (except for the mushroom-shaped ones which have a lining of Iridium and Strontium 90).
  22. The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
  23. Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best.
  24. Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults in adultery?
  25. Having a stalker sounds great, until you have one.
  26. P Diddy wishes he felt this good.
  27. Came into the world with nothing, but leaving it with everything.
  28. Diamonds for Mom and front row tickets to the game for Dad when I win my first case.
  29. Figure it out guys, real confidence is humble words and bold actions. Real men know how to do both.
  30. Can you get amnesia and déjà vu at the same time? Because I’m studying for Chemistry and I know I’ve forgotten this stuff already.
  31. What is the best music when you are practicing to make a family?
  32. Feeling humble, more than you could ever be.
  33. My life story? I got laughs in Middle School, medals in High School, Drunk in College, Dean’s List in Law school and a winning record in the courtroom.
  34. Thank you Gwen, we get it. No one is going to “hollaback” at you.
  35. Owns every room he walks into.
  36. Another day, another bullet dodged.
  37. When you start understanding your dad, that’s when you start getting it.
  38. Remember that kid in UP? Yeah, don’t check out my school photos.
  39. I don’t care about race, I can find plenty of reasons to not like you.
  40. How many women Tiger? Amateur.
  41. The best food, and the finest wine- this is how it’s done.
  42. So when am I going to start seeing women in the NFL draft? Let’s get it done.
  43. Don’t worry, I’ve got plenty of time for you.
  44. has got to figure out how something always “pops up” when you have to get up in front of the classroom.
  45. This smile? It means I’m about to be a real bad boy.
  46. Has checked out to find himself. If I get back before then, just tell me to wait.
  47. Welcome to the confessional, confess your sins and I’ll give you a penance. But, make it good; I need the details.
  48. Money buys a lot more happiness than empty pockets.
  49. That sociology quiz was a slam dunk, surprising since I expected questions and paper.
  50. If knowledge is power and power corrupts, I’m ready to be corrupted. Time to study.
  51. Has a mind like a steel trap, rusted shut and outlawed in most of the country.
  52. All clouds have silver linings, except ones shaped like mushrooms. Those have Iridium linings.
  53. The path of least resistance is usually closed for repairs.
  54. They say without love, sex is meaningless. But for meaningless things, it’s the best.
  55.  For the record, my responses to all the messages in my inbox (in the order received): Probably. No later than 3am. Isn’t that illegal? You’ll know when I’m done. Good night. Where am I?
  56. t’s a product of humans to imagine being a virgin is a virtue.
  57. “You can’t have your cake and eat it too.” Okay, but if it’s my cake why can’t I eat it? Who’s cake do I eat?
  58. What I start, I finish.
  59. It’s just not awesome without “me”.
  60. Time to party like I’m too young to know better.
  61. You are great and all, but I’m more than just a piece of meat.
  62. Wanting that new BMW, who wants to buy my Lexus?
  63. Peanut Butter: Creamy or Crunchy?
  64. When you change the toilet paper, is it over or under?
  65. Hid in a closet when a girl’s family came home, might have worked if she had told me which closet was her sister’s.
  66. If you tell a man his dick is cute, you will never see it again.
  67. They have rehab for sex addiction right?
  68. Decided to take some nude photos in the bathroom, should have waited until I got off work.
  69. Lesson learned, Lil’ Wayne is not work appropriate.
  70. Was going to make fun of a guy’s haircut, then I remembered my senior pictures.
  71. I’m done. I’ve registered as a Republican. This country is in trouble and we need to make things right. Enough giving away money to the lazy, enough giving up our morals. We are a Christian nation, time to get back to that.
  72. Just heard the stupidest thing ever. “Where is that accent from?”, “Canada.”, “Oh, I love syrup!”
  73. Live tweeting this girl going down on me, hope she doesn’t have my twitter handle.
  74. We all have needs. Women want the right one, men want the next one.
  75. Is your lady getting pissy for no reason? Just tell her that her tampon is probably in backwards. Works every time.
  76. New Call of Duty baby, must be my birthday!
  77. Can’t believe how hard all these changes must be on the insurance and pharmaceutical companies. Losing a monopoly like that, I’ll keep them in my prayers.
  78. Phone will die soon, I’ve been kidnapped by a bus full of cheerleaders. If I’m not back in 2 days do NOT send help!
  79. Honestly, does my dick look too big in this status?
  80. The best things in life are the simple things, like cheap beer and cheaper women.
  81. Available for Sexting.
  82. I have lost my innocence, mind if I take yours?
  83. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. Why does it seem like it is always guys that are telling the jokes at parties or in groups? I know women can be funny and witty, but you just don’t see it most of the time. Maybe it’s just how we are wired.
  84. Women are great, I’m a huge fan.
  85. Why are the hottest girls always the worst in the sack?
  86. You play hard to get, but ladies I’m impossible to get.
  87. Orgy at my place- RSVP
  88. Let’s play a game, I’ll be the rock star you be the groupie.
  89. Can I borrow someone’s purity ring?
  90. Tired of hookups, I’m ready for love
  91. Never forget, girls are the number one carriers of cooties.
  92. What’s their secret? What did your parents do to make someone as beautiful as you?
  93. Start a family with me, and be wealthy beyond measure.
  94. Girls, I am having a hard time believing your updates about how great your boyfriend is. I think we all know, I’m better.
  95. Just took a 5 hour ride on my bike. Is my ass supposed to feel like this, or am I just special?
  96. If you share eye contact with a woman for over a minute, it is legally acceptable to grab her boob.
  97. Is too good for you.
  98. Please know, it’s absolutely your fault.
  99. Today is a very special day; it’s my cat’s birthday! Come by and say hi, I’ll be here too.
  100. I figured out the ultimate Valentine’s gift, now which lucky lady  is going to get a chocolate covered penis, wrapped in money that ejaculates diamonds?
  101. I won’t lie, I’ve got some weird things going on right now.
  102. Girls in glasses? Sexy.
  103. The way she looks in a sun dress blows my mind.
  104. I need someone with real depth and personality. But if you come up lacking, I know a good way to compensate.
  105. Moist is always better. Get your mind out of the gutter.
  106. It’s a simple. I do the right things and the right times. That’s why I’m a winner.
  107. Relax, I only make it LOOK this easy.
  108. Still haven’t met a girl I can take home to Mom.
  109. is loving life.
  110. Living every day passionately.
  111. The work week is done, bring on the weekend. Time to shine.
  112. Tired of too many people who only have beauty on the outside
  113. Ladies, I have more needs that just sex. I’m a real person.
  114. What’s cooler than being cool? Oh yeah, me.
  115. New and improved with 50% more awesome in the same package you love.
  116. The bald and the beautiful.
  117. I’ve mastered many martial arts like tae kwon do and hugs.
  118. Starting to wonder if any ladies can keep up with me.
  119. NEW STATUS! LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME! Validate me.
  120. I’m so emo, my grass cuts itself.
  121. Taking some time for myself and heading out for a while.
  122. Currently robbing a bank, anyone need anything?
  123. Tell me about your day!
  124. So happy it is unreal.
  125. Hey girls, my friend is having a tough time since breaking up with his girl. How long does he need wait until he asks out her sister?
  126. It hasn’t been 4 hours yet, but I really think I need to call someone about this erection.
  127. I feel like I should talk to someone about my ADD because…. brb
  128. I don’t do push ups, I push the world down.
  129. Another date, another girl trying to get in my pants. It’s a  first date ladies, come on!
  130. That’s right, I’m a pick up artist. Better watch your lady.
  131. Just to try and make things easier, could all the creepy girls please message me before adding me as a friend?
  132. Went to a wine tasting, then I remembered I hate wine. Thankfully there is cheese.
  133. Flintstones, Meet the Flintstones
  134. Stop making technology future proof. Make it work TODAY!
  135. Been feeling a little down, might go out to the bar to hit on myself.
  136. Headed out to Wonderland, looking for Alice.
  137. Doing some volunteer work, counseling Bambi through the loss of a parent.
  138. Every time I walk into a party, someone yells “Dibs!”
  139. Hey, iPhone, stop ducking autocorrecting me. No one takes me seriously when I sound this adorable.
  140. Thinking about getting a piercing this weekend. Suggestions?
  141. True love lasts…until you see her without her makeup.
  142. You only miss the chances you don’t take.
  143. Bright side to losing a tooth? Somebody is hooking up with the tooth fairy tonight.
  144. Is for mature audiences only.
  145. After lunch I’m feeling like I’ve got a jetpack on.
  146. I go HARD 24/7.
  147. Really ladies? Really?
  148. Smile if you aren’t wearing underwear.
  149. Smile if you take it up the ass.
  150. Cleaned up my friends list. If you still see this then you are safe, but don’t get cocky.
  151. I’m more than a sex symbol, I’m a real person.
  152. New phone and no numbers, call or text so I have yours.
  153. Last night was great, but apparently visiting the ICU dressed as Death was in “poor taste”.
  154. Work for a living. Party to live.
  155. Water into wine? So? I turned an entire student loan into bud light. In your face Jesus!
  156. Monday is so lucky I can’t punch it in the throat.
  157. Was told to bring a date to my work party, brought a sex doll. Someone is getting lucky tonight.
  158. To all the good girls, hit me up when you are ready to go bad.
  159. Stepped outside for a smoke, wondering if I should have put on pants.
  160. Days like this were meant for girls in sun dresses.
  161. Tired, but I don’t think this day could be better. Everything is going my way.
  162. So horny, I might lose my mind.
  163. I need a theme song, suggestions?
  164. Thinking about making your legs shake and shiver.
  165. Never sure how long to wait to make eye contact with someone after they watch a condom fall out of my pocket.
  166. I think she just went into the bathroom to shave. I should have enough time to watch a movie. Lord of the Rings anyone?
  167. Came to Walmart for a quick errand. Should have hired a guide.
  168. I just decided to try something…I think I broke my penis.
  169. Got bored and called the library to see if they had a book called “Dealing with Rejection Without Violence”. Did you know they have caller id?
  170. Almost underestimated myself. Then, I remembered, I’m awesome.
  171. When I was growing up, I thought Puff the Magic Dragon was the name of my parents weed dealer.
  172. Looking for some part time work? I am in need of henchmen.
  173. My favorite color? Scarlett Johansen.
  174. Tried adjusting the brightness on my TV, but Duck Dynasty wouldn’t go away.
  175. If sperm makes babies, where does sperm come from?
  176. So many lonely and broken hearts, but I’m only one man. Be patient.
  177. When a woman is comfortable enough to fart in front of you, put a ring on it.
  178. Thinks your depressing status update is absolutely the answer to your problems. Keep us posted.
  179. I’ve got so much charm you could call me a bracelet.
  180. Saw a chicken stop a duck from crossing a road today. He was screaming “Don’t! The questions will never end!”
  181. Kissing burns 26 calories a minute. Who needs a personal trainer?
  182. Every woman is beautiful. Unless they are ugly.
  183. It takes more muscles to frown than to punch someone in the jaw.
  184. This work week is so brutal that after Monday and Tuesday the rest of the week just said WTF.
  185. Why must we question poor chickens every single time they try to cross the road?
  186. Feeling like getting a little work done, but I got on Facebook and the feeling passed.
  187. Stop bashing beer health nuts. It doesn’t make you fat. It makes you lean. Lean against walls, urinals and random strangers.
  188. Just hope that your doctor has good grammar. Because forgetting the comma can mean the difference between your symptoms being “Can’t eat, diarrhea” and “Can’t eat diarrhea”.
  189. Best advice for headaches I’ve ever heard was actually on the Tylenol bottle. “Keep away from children” Truth.
  190. I don’t have OCD. I have CDO. Because it’s alphabetized, like letters are meant to be.
  191. I have amnesia, but I don’t remember how long I’ve had it.
  192. Looking for a girl that actually has beauty on the inside.
  193. “lol” looks like someone drowning, I  don’t’ think that’s a laughing matter.
  194. Don’t tell me I’ve changed, I just stopped doing what you wanted me to do.
  195. Had a girl come over last night to talk about social media. She came to myspace and we twittered until I googled on her facebook.
  196. Everyone should love me as much as I do.
  197. Nobody can you cry when the rain comes down.
  198. Never apologize! Sorry if that is too aggressive.
  199. I’ll believe anything, shoot me a message and try for yourself.
  200. How many millions? Thanks lottery!
  201. Going to have a kid! Already 4 months along.
  202. I’m a lover not a fighter, but never forget that I have a mean right hook.
  203. Hey Justin, don’t worry about it, I already brought sexy back.
  204. Told someone they were an Indian giver, but I had to take it back.
  205. Just like Bon Jovi, I give love a bad name.
  206. I’m here, you have two wishes left.
  207. I’m ready to start a real relationship this weekend.
  208. ____ may cause side effects including: euphoria, happiness, pleasure, shaky legs, butterflies in the stomach, tingling skin and goosebumps.
  209. Comes with a parental advisory sticker
  210. Evil mastermind ISO sidekicks and henchmen. Apply within.
  211. Taking applications for a new girlfriend, please be over 18 and worth my time.
  212. Kansas City’s MOST eligible bachelor.
  213. You know how I know I’m on your mind? You are reading my status.
  214. Just a simple hero, saving the world one lady at a time.
  215. 2-6 years? Whatever, I solved that puzzle in only 4 months.
  216. Is so hot Al Gore calls him “An Inconvenient Truth”
  217. ___ doubts you are actually laughing out loud every time you type lol.
  218. Only thing hotter than me, is the Sun.
  219. Get on board, I’m taking off.
  220. I got so much swag I need an ad for it, And I don’t like to brag so my bitches brag for me
  221. Anyone looking to get on Santa’s naughty list this year?
  222. Needing a new measurement of time for how often I think of you.
  223. Is Facebook a woman? Every time I figure it out, it changes.
  224. Does this status make me look sexy?
  225. Why can’t I find a simple tasteful thong that is both comfy and reasonably priced?
  226. Brought sexy back, but forgot my receipt.
  227. Trust me, I’m no good for you.
  228. I don’t take life that seriously, we aren’t getting out alive anyway.
  229. Keep an eye on the quiet ones, they are always trouble.
  230. Must have gotten hacked, someone removed all the hot ladies from my list
  231. Sir Mix a Lot and I have a lot of interests in common.
  232. My ex broke up with me out of nowhere. Absolutely no reason. She said something about not listening or whatever.
  233. Not a single “Happy Birthday” today. Sure, it’s not my birthday but I’m really disappointed.
  234. Pretty fly for a white guy.
  235. I made a mistake. I just wanted to see how it felt for once.
  236. I have real emotions, I’m not just a sexual object.
  237. Sure, the computer beats me at chess, but it doesn’t stand a chance at kickboxing.
  238. Glass is half empty, glass is half full. Who is leaving drinks around like that?
  239. Like taking candy from a baby? Why are you taking candy from a baby?
  240. Ran up and grabbed someone today and yelled “TAG YOU’RE IT!” That crossing guard was not impressed.
  241. Ladies, beauty is easy. Perfect spaghetti? Now that’s impressive.
  242. Brunettes win, always.
  243. Copy and paste this status if you copy and paste this status if you copy and paste this status if you copy and paste this status
  244. Is pretty sure Facebook makes him talk in the 3rd person.
  245. Changing your relationship status to “It’s complicated” just gives all your friends a chance to take bets on how long until it becomes “Single”
  246. Starting to realize women are like parking spaces. They are either taken, too far or handicapped.
  247. Sure, there are lots of fish in the sea; but why are you looking for a fish? No wonder you’re single.
  248. Don’t let me out of your sight ladies.
  249. If I have 10 fish but 5 drown how many fish do I have? 10. Stupid math book, fish don’t drown.
  250. I think I broke my handle on life.
  251. Forget practice, start buying trophies and you can be great at anything.
  252. Paper does NOT beat rock. That sucker went right through my nephew’s drawing.
  253. Booty Call Status: Available
  254. How do I make myself smile? I use the muscles in my face.
  255. Don’t worry, a couple of drinks and the world will catch up to me.
  256. It’s okay to cry at weddings, especially if it is yours.
  257. Can I make up for all the naps I tried to avoid as a kid?
  258. I’ve never been rejected, I’ve just found out who has bad taste.
  259. Time to party and meet other amazing people.
  260. I have emotions ladies, it’s not always about sex.
  261. Need some help with a very important question. If I have a salad and diet coke, that cancels out the chocolate cake right?
  262. Is currently waking up: ████████████ 99% Awake
  263. Nothing better than a beautiful girl in a sun dress.
  264. How much will it cost to have this week beaten in a dark alley?
  265. Looking for patients for my new addiction treatment center, we are treating people who obsessively update their facebook status.
  266. Just enjoying the moment.
  267. Showed my nephew a typewriter and he asked where you plug in the monitor.
  268. Relationship Pro-Tips: If your girlfriend tells you that she’s cold, do NOT give her your coat. Letting her shiver will burn more calories.
  269. If an old timer comes up to you at a wedding and says “you’re next” do the same thing to them at the next funeral.
  270. If it takes the rest of my life, I will learn to read the secrets you women have written in braille on your areolas.
  271. Limited time offer, ask me anything in a message and you will get an honest answer. No matter how awkward or personal, I’ll answer truthfully and it will remain between you and me. Let’s hear what you’ve got.
  272. Nice to meet you, the pleasure is all yours.
  273. Women know everything they need to know about you in the first five seconds of meeting you. It’s like “Fuck, Marry or Kill” the home game.
  274. Relationship Pro-Tips: If your lady asks if her pants make her look fat, don’t hesitate. Look her in the eyes and tell her “No, you make you look fat.” She’ll respect your honesty.
  275. I remember back when a broken game meant just blowing it out.
  276. I’d rate myself “Highly Fuckable”
  277. Looking for my puppy Boscoe. He’s a brown boxer and has a red tag. Please send your number so I can let you know when I find him.
  278. Is it really so much to ask? I just want a girl that cooks and cleans in nothing but heels and a smile, that’s it.
  279. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because you can’t keep up.
  280. The trick is, there is no secret to understanding women. You just have to listen.
  281. To find the answers, ask the questions.
  282. I’m an open book- it could be horror, comedy, romance or fairytale; but usually, it’s pop-up
  283. I like kids, as long as I can send them home.
  284. Don’t be afraid to ask stupid questions, be afraid of stupid answers.
  285. What is the does a woman have in common with spaghetti? They both wiggle when you eat them.
  286. Beware the anger of a gentle man.
  287. I’ve tried everything to fall asleep; except shutting my eyes and putting down my phone.
  288. Let’s play Santa- you sit on my lap and tell me what you want.
  289. So do you want on my naughty list, or nice list?  Or both?
  290. The most beautiful thing a woman can wear is confidence.
  291. On a scale of Taylor Swift to Adele, how bad was your breakup?
  292. Want to truly learn who a woman is? Don’t take her to a fancy restaurant or out to a club. Take her rock climbing, hiking- even a drive. That’s when you get to know someone.
  293. It’s stupid to judge people based on race, gender, sexuality, religion or nationality. I believe if you really get to know someone, you will find much better reasons to dislike someone.
  294. On forms, under sex, I like to put “Why don’t you find out?”
  295. I’m trying to write a poem about my ex. What rhymes with slut?
  296. If I could re-arrange the letters of the alphabet, I wouldn’t. Because then alphabetic order would mean nothing.
  297. Build 100 shelves; they’ll never call you a shelf builder. But, suck one cock…
  298. My brother wanted to impress a girl he was going on a first date with, so he shoved a pair of socks down his pants. I didn’t have to heart to tell him they go in the front.
  299. Okay, I give up, exactly where do I find a good woman who is ready for a real relationship?
  300. Remember to use a condom; it could prevent an STD like Herpes, HIV or a kid.
  301. When is someone finally going to file a missing persons report for Waldo?
  302. More money, more problems? Those are the problems I want.
  303. Love is the universal language, but most people speak English too.
  304. Anyone who will sleep with you on the first date, doesn’t deserve a second.
  305. Yeah, that ear gauge looks cool now but what about when you are old and take it out? You gonna let your grandkids jump rope with it?
  306. How long does it take for rope burn to fade? Rough weekend…
  307. No more fights, just use dance battles to settle every argument.
  308. Never yell “YOU GOT SERVED!!” after having sex. Or do, that’s fun too.
  309. Facial hair is considered a sign of wealth and respect in many cultures, unless you are a woman.
  310. Sometimes, I just think my heart is too big for my chest.
  311. I heard an elephant never forgets, I’ve been to the zoo every weekend this year and that jerk still doesn’t recognize me.
  312. Do they make underwear for those who are a little more, well-endowed?
  313. A girl told me she needed 12 inches to blow her mind.  I told her I could at least make her think really hard.
  314. Who gives cops tickets?
  315. Never sacrifice who you are, for what they want you to be.
  316. I don’t have a man crush. I AM a man crush.
  317. If you put someone on a pedestal, they can only look down on you.


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